Drama Haters RPG
Welcome to Drama Haters RPG! Why don't you log in and write something? What was that? You're not a member? Then register, and then write something!

Drama Haters RPG

Welcome to the wonderful world of Drama Free Role Playing! Here you can write as much as you want without the hastle of drama that those other boards have!
 
HomePortalFAQSearchRegisterLog in

Share | 
 

 Review: Lynn's Poems

View previous topic View next topic Go down 
AuthorMessage
Lynn
Admin
avatar

Female Posts : 336
Join date : 2009-10-19
Age : 28
Location : Cleveland, Ohio (unfortunately)

PostSubject: Review: Lynn's Poems   Tue Oct 20, 2009 4:24 pm

Tell me what you think. I LOVE constructive criticism as a certain person is incapable of giving me any, it's up to you guys. Smile

_________________

I love you, baby girl.
Back to top Go down
Mallic
The Sneak
avatar

Male Posts : 93
Join date : 2009-08-18
Age : 26

PostSubject: Re: Review: Lynn's Poems   Tue Oct 20, 2009 4:25 pm

I love you poems honey.

And I can give constructive criticism...

... Sorta.

Yeah, it's up to you guys. *Sighs*

_________________
Back to top Go down
Joker's Ace
Admin
avatar

Female Posts : 900
Join date : 2009-07-19
Age : 31
Location : The ninth gate of HELL

PostSubject: Re: Review: Lynn's Poems   Tue Oct 20, 2009 7:47 pm

Know what I love? How Haseo never reads his posts before posting them. *Cackles at the "you poems"

Anyway, on to the poetry! While I'm not the best critic in the world, I'll give it what I gots.

I noticed in "Broken Hearted" you changed the rhythm of the poem, rather this was on purpose, or not, it kind of trips me up when I read it. Read this part:

"Everytime he looks away

Everytime his gaze will stray

Her heart breaks a little more each day

As he drifts further and further away"


See how, at the beginning it's like bah bah bah bah bah bah bah. And the second line follows the same pattern. But then you change it to words with more syllables, and it changes the pattern. I like the poem, and the general meaning of it, mainly because it shows a powerful sense of emotions, but the rhythm kept tripping me up when I was trying to read it.

Perhaps, had it said something like:

Everytime he looks away
Everytime his gaze will stray.
Her heart breaks more everyday
As he drifts so far away.


I'll post up more later, possibly, but I gotta jet naow. *Loves* Fantastic job, darling. ^_^

_________________

Forum Admin/Creator
Welcome Post | Rule Book | PM Me

My heart, my soul, my beloved neechan...
Back to top Go down
http://dramahatersrpg.darkbb.com
snowfang<3
Drama Queen
Drama Queen
avatar

Female Posts : 7
Join date : 2009-10-20
Age : 27
Location : Cleveland

PostSubject: Re: Review: Lynn's Poems   Fri Oct 23, 2009 10:30 am

Like a Star @ heaven I can totally relate to the "Outsider Looking In" <-- That's how I mainly felt while taking all those pictures for the Newspaper. I was watching everyone else have fun and not joining in it myself because I felt like I didn't belong! Like a Star @ heaven
Back to top Go down
Lynn
Admin
avatar

Female Posts : 336
Join date : 2009-10-19
Age : 28
Location : Cleveland, Ohio (unfortunately)

PostSubject: Re: Review: Lynn's Poems   Sat Oct 24, 2009 12:42 am

That was how I felt half the time in highschool. My bestfriends always seemed to have closer best friends. The only time it was different was in newspaper when it was just the four of us chilling. But it's not like that anymore. That's for sure. Smile

_________________

I love you, baby girl.
Back to top Go down
Sponsored content




PostSubject: Re: Review: Lynn's Poems   

Back to top Go down
 
Review: Lynn's Poems
View previous topic View next topic Back to top 
Page 1 of 1
 Similar topics
-
» Contract Termination and Review Committee composition
» Life review after death?
» Review of exoplanet detection methods
» Greek Poems
» Question For Lynn & Martijn

Permissions in this forum:You cannot reply to topics in this forum
Drama Haters RPG :: Drama Free - Writing Bistro :: Reviews of Original Work-
Jump to: