One Liners

Ok, here's a thread for all the one liners you've heard/read in places, that you just have to share here. I'll start you off with the top 10 from the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. (Taken from the BBC News website)

1) Tim Vine "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."

2) David Gibson "I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone."

3) Emo Philips "I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them."

4) Jack Whitehall "I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid."

5) Gary Delaney "As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog."

6) John Bishop "Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day."

7) Bo Burnham "What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names."

Eight) Gary Delaney "Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted."

9) Robert White "For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: Empty."

10) Gareth Richards "Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food. Or, if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub…"

Oh, I have a whole list of things... lets see.

Keke "I've been reading about sperm for fifteen minutes and none of it's sticking!"

Chip "What they don't know, will impregnate their daughter."

The Beast (a female friend of mine) "Why do people cry at weddings? I mean, you might as well laugh at a funeral!"

Golf is the only sport were you get a slave.

"I can't get through the door. Come on guys! I'm serious!"

My brother couldn't fit through his door because it was mostly blocked by a dresser, but if you didn't know that, it would be hilarious. lol.