Ok. This is an attempt to get my feelings out on the screen so I can make at least a bit of a start at getting my head around them. I don't care who reads it or if there are any comments, this isn't for that.

I can't explain it, but I've been feeling down a hell of a lot lately. Don't get me wrong, I've had good times with friends, family and other assorted people, but for some reason I just can't fight the feeling of being down. I'm surrounded by all the people I love, and yet I've never felt this way, despite all their good will and intent. I guess it's something to do with the fact that I'm lonely. I've been alone for a very long time. Not as in family or friends, they've always been a big and important part of my life, but they can't give me affection on a different level, can they? I feel like I'm clutching at straws every time I talk to a girl, getting the usual bullshit from them, and it IS bullshit, whatever any of you say, you know, lines like "oh you'll find someone soon" or "you'll make someone really happy" or something like that. They're all just redundant deflections to get me off the subject.

I'm fed up with those lines, whether they're trying to make me feel better or they're just trying to divert me away from the subject. Yeah, alright, I might make someone happy, and don't get me wrong, I would do everything in my power, but WHERE THE FUCK IS THIS "SOMEONE" EVERYONE ALWAYS FOBS OFF ON ME??? It's really pissing me off now. There was one I thought it could have been, but it seems not. I guess all I'm good for is being the "friend". I'm where I usually end up, in the fucking rejected pile.

How lovely it is to be considered as just the friend, and assumed incapable of providing a proper relationship for anyone. Always the fucking bridesmaid eh? I'm getting sick to the back teeth of lame excuses and tired cliches.

I give the fuck up.