"A heart is a fragile thing, that's why we protect them so vigorously, give them away so rarely, and why it means so much when we do. Some hearts are more fragile then others, purer somehow. Like crystal in a world of glass. Even the way they shatter is beautiful"- John E. Pogue

Funny how reading that had me nodding until the last little bit. There is nothing beautiful about a broken heart. From first hand experience, it is a nauseating, hollowing, destructive state. From lots of first hand experience, it should be avoided at all cost. It can take many forms, however, and how it manifests itself can dictate it's path of destruction through the heart and the mind. Even in the crystalline state quoted above, shards of glass still cut, they still make you bleed, they still bring you nearer to your demise. I'm not writing this as a 'how to' guide or anything like that, I guess this is similar to my other outpouring of emotion that I did, only this one is much more considered and calm. Now while I am hurting, and the pain is of the gut-wrenching kind, the kind that makes you feel like your insides have turned to jelly, it hasn't made me lose my sense of perspective. I know it's really not worth getting so worked up, so wound up, so torn to shreds because of a woman, but that all depends on method, on circumstance, and on the mitigation provided by the constant that is friendship. The reason I'm hurting so much is because I have the potential to lose a wonderful and caring friend.

I know I should put the friendship before anything else, but when being led by the hand, one doesn't tend to question the direction until it's too late, especially because there is an underlying trust that binds me to her, and makes me feel safe and comfortable around her. However, when both parties open the door up to the possibility of more than friendship, this becomes the potentially critical moment where nothing can be the same again. At least for a long time. When the door is closed again, they are left alone, stranded, and with all the ill-feeling mentioned earlier. This is where I stand now, and this is where I have to accept my position and turn away. But there's always a part of my mind that bites at the moment I decide to turn. I call it the 'what if' hormone. Not that I'm a scientist or anything. It's the way my mind works. From the tiniest seed of doubt, a massive tree of either blind optimism or abject defeat. Only this time, something is different. There is no optimism, and there is no defeat. I can't be optimistic about the future of us, however, because our only commitment to each other was friendship, there is no defeat, because our friendship is still treasured, however tenuously.

However, as with all healing, time is an excellent remedy. And it's something I'm going to need a lot of. It's the only way I'm going to crow-bar the 'what if' hormone off my thoughts, and it's the only way I'm going to free my mind from the torture of hanging on to something that was essentially futile, whether we both knew it or not. I will have my circle of friends to pull me out of this, and she will have hers to help her. Communication is important in my life, very important, I'd be lost without my phone. But in this case, the lack of communication I've requested can only heal the cuts from the shattered hearts. I don't know how long this will take, but I can only hope I regain her friendship once this whole situation is in our past. And I say 'our' past, because this excommunication isn't permanent. This is just to aid with the natural recovery of the mind and the heart. And the recovery of our friendship.