Vanilla Peeks

Live For Me - For Benni

I sat in my squeaky chair, reading her journal entry. I couldn't believe it. I knew that she had been through some awful stuff before, but I never had any idea that it was this bad. I had been through some serious shit before, but when I compared it to her entry for just one day, I realised that I had been so selfish, living in my own self-pity. Gods! If only I had realised I had hurt her so much... Reading that entry made me realise how much I did hurt her. I wish she'd stop her suicide attempts. Tears fell silently down my cheeks.

Ally... Are you still in there?" I heard my mother ask me from outside the door.

"Yeah mum! I'm still in here. I'm just doing some stuff. You need me out?" I sniffed and wiped at my bleary eyes.

"No, I was just checking that you were here. Are you okay?"

"Yeah mum, I'm fine." I sniffed again.

"Have you got a cold? You're sniffing a lot."

"No mum, I just had noodles remember? They made my nose runny, that's all." I covered up the fact that I was close to crying.

"Okay then. Just call me if you need me okay?"

"Sure thing mum!"

I listened to her footsteps growing quieter as she left the door. I sighed after realising that I was holding my breath. I reached for the phone, but my hand hesistated over it. It shook. Was it from nerves or from crying? Why should it be from nerves? She was my friend... Or she thought I was her best friend... Yeah, she was my best friend too, but why did it take me so long to realise it? I shivered even though the temperature was like 35°C. I hated that. I pulled my hand back from the phone and sat in my chair like a stunned mullet. What was I going to do? I didn't feel up to ringing her... And if I didn't feel up to even ringing her, I'd feel even less like seeing her. Man. What was I going to do?



It was almost a week later before I did anything. I decided to pick up a pen and paper, then I would spill my guts to her. How would I start it off? What was I going to call it...

"From the Beginning..." I mumbled.

I sat in my room with the pen over the page. So, I have what I'm going to call it... But not what I'm going to write. Damn. This was going to be harder than I thought.

"You have a phone call Ally!" My dad yelled.

"Who is it?" I sat up ready to get the phone.

"Gerard." He yelled.

"I'm not here!" I turned around and smothered my face in the pillows.

That's where I would start. Right from the beginning. I knew she liked him at one stage, I wasn't sure if she still liked him or not.

Dear Dvanna...

I continued to write my letter to her, which I would send through an email.

Finally, my letter was finished and I read through it. Maybe I'd send it tomorrow. I wanted to sleep right now. I hoped she'd understand.



I emailed it to her and waited, hoping that maybe she was online at the time I sent it. So I waited and looked up some animes and stuff on Final Fantasy 10. Hours passed and still there had been no reply. Where was she? Had she read it yet? Was she even online? I sighed and got off the internet disheartened.

Everyday for an entire week, I logged on and off my email account hoping to see a reply from her. But each day was the same. No reply. It hurt me. Why wasn't she replying? Did I hurt her so much that she didn't want anything to do with me anymore? I felt the familiar sting of tears again but I blinked and forced them back. I wasn't going to cry. I wasn't going to cry again! As much as I wished them away, they fell down my cheeks again. I hated crying!

"Ally! You have a call." Mum yelled.

"Who is it?"

"Dvanna."

I sat up quickly and wiped the tears from my face. "Okay, I got the phone!" I grabbed the phone and mum put it down. "Hey." I said.

"Hey. I got your email." There was a pause.

I waited for her to talk, but I didn't want her to tell me what I knew she was going to say. I didn't want to hear it. It'd hurt me too much.

"You know, I sent a reply back." She said.

"I haven't got one. At least when I last checked." I swallowed hard feeling that big lump of nervousness again.

"I dunno why you think you're a burden. I love you. You know I do, you're my best friend. And if you go by reading just that journal, you're not gonna get the hole picture. I'm depressed you know that. I get like that. It's just me. And I'll take that 60 Kilos and put it right back onto my chest." She laughed.

"You aren't pissed at me?"

"Hell no. I ain't gonna take a swing at ya or anything. Why would I?" She was still laughing.

"I thought..." I paused.

"You thought? I was angry at you after reading what you had to say? No. I think it's better you told me all of that, but I still don't see how you can be envious of me. You're strong too. everybody's different, you're stronger in a different way and you handle him in your own way." She said through the phone.

The phone started to break up.

"Hey you still there?" I heard her muffled voice ask.

"Yeah." I replied.

"Well, I gotta go. I'll see you later okay?"

"Okay. Bye."

"Bye."

She hung up. I looked at the phone for a while, then finally put it down. At least I heard from her. And she wasn't pissed at me... Or was she crying into her pillow now? I flopped onto my bed and smothered my head in the pillows again.



"Ally. Did you hear about Dvanna?" Ash asked me when I saw her at school the following day.

"What do you mean?" I frowned.

"She got hurt."

"How?"" I asked hysterically.

"I think it was a hit and run. But she's in hospital. Seriously injured. We're going to visit her tomorrow. You coming with us?"

"Who's coming?"

"Well, there's me, Dex, Josh, Gerard... He's her friend too you know. Hopefully you will be... Everyone from the old hang is coming..." Ash added up on her left hand.

"Where is she?"

"Up in Newcastle Hospital." Ash shrugged.

"Yeah, I'm coming."

I sat through that entire day of school wondering how she was. I couldn't wait til tomorrow.



We were waiting in the lobby while the nurses looked for her.

"Room 13, down that way." They pointed behind us.

"Thanks." We all bundled down the hall towards room 13.

When we arrived, it was very silent. We stopped at the door and looked in. Dvanna was lying on the bed with tubes sticking out of her and her right arm in a cast. A nurse came up beside us.

"What happened?" I choked out.

"She was in a hit and run. The Police still haven't found who did it. We've found several fractures in her arms and legs, and she's still unconscious. We're afraid she might become a paraplegic."

I seized up. Dvanna? A paraplegic? I didn't like that sounds of that. Dvanna loved to run around and play sports. She couldn't become a paraplegic. We filed in and filled the room. I had to leave. I couldn't bear to see her the way she was. I left in a hurry and went to the lobby around the lifts.

"Ally. Why'd you leave?" I heard Dez ask as she walked over to me.

I turned to her with tears streaming from my eyes. "Because I can't stand to see her like that! Would you like to see your best friend lying in hospital with tubes sticking out of her from all directions and hearing that she could become a paraplegic?" I was hysterical.

"Look, she'll be better. You know she will. But why don't you come talk to her anyway?" Dez tugged on my arm gently.

"Maybe later..." I looked to the lift and it opened so I walked in and pressed the ground floor button.

As the doors closed, I saw Dez looking at me sadly. I had just abandoned my best friend. What kind of friend was I? I wandered to the hospital restaurant and sat down. The menu was full of crap, but I ordered something anyway. After I had almost finished eating an hour later, when the food was cold as, I saw Dvanna's old hang walk past. They were crying and holding hands, hugging each other and talking, probably about Dvanna. I finished my food then went to pay for it. My eyes were dry and I felt water building up in them again like tears. I sniffed and over the amount of money which was ridiculous. I walked back to the elevator and walked in. As the doors were closing, I saw Dez and Josh leaving from the other.

"Dez!" I yelled, but the doors had closed on me.

I sighed and waited for the elevator to reach its destination. It seemed to take a long time, but finally the doors opened at my level. I walked out and ran into Ash.

"How is she?" I asked.

"She's still the same. I'm just waiting for Gerard, he's talking to her now. He's taking his time too. But I guess he's got a lot to tell her... What it is I have no idea. Why don't you go talk to her. We'll wait for you." Ash said through her tears.

She had been in hospital not that long ago, but hers was a possibility of paralysis down the right side of her body. She wasn't in a coma. Dvanna wasn't in a coma either, she was still unconscious. There's a difference.

"I'm going to go see her." I walked toward the room that held her captive and stood at the door, my heart thumping madly.

"Maybe when you're okay, we'll all go out sometime. But until then, bye." Gerard whispered.

I swallowed and felt a tear steal its way down my cheek. He left the room with a tear stained face and looked at me. I managed a smile, but I think it looked more like a grimace than a smile.

"How is she?" I swallowed thickly.

"She's okay... She's kind of conscious now..." Gerard muttered.

"Well, I'm going in to talk to her now. See ya."

He nodded and I walked in. Dvanna was lying on the bed still looking like some freak science experiment gone wrong. I walked over beside her and took her hand gently.

"Hey. Why'd you have to go and play with moving cars? You trying to be like Ash now?" I managed a hoarse laugh. "So. What am I supposed to do now? With my best friend out of action, looking like a freak science experiment, what am I supposed to do?"

"You've got Ash." Dvanna whispered hoarsely.

"Gerard told me you were awake."

"I feel like shit..." She coughed.

"You look like shit..." I tried to laugh.

She smiled. "Remember that email you sent me?"

I nodded. "Yeah."

"You said: 'I shook my head and told myself I was being a cow.' You're not a cow, why should you ever think that? Just because Gerard wanted to dance with another chick... Rather than you... He didn't really. You got lucky. You got to go out with him. He was petrified of me, and I'm being serious. He wouldn't go anywhere if I was coming. That was why I was happy when I heard that you and him got together." She was still smiling. "I want you to do something for me. Just a small favour."

"Like what?" I sniffed and rubbed my nose.

"Live for me..." With that, she slipped back into unconsciousness.

I nodded and with that, I left her room my face dry now, but the tears of previous crying, still stained my face. I walked back to Ash and Gerard and we left the hospital.



Someone said she later died, but I don't believe that. I know she didn't die. She's alive. But I kept my promise and I'm living for her, I have run into her several times since that day she asked me to live for her, and s he's not a paraplegic. She's still running around like the madwoman we all knew her for and loved her for. Every now and then, we all get together and have massive orgies... Hehe, no, we all go out to the city or sometimes, we just go to Parra. I still can't believe how close she came to death, but I wanted her to live. If not for herself, then for me. And she wanted me to live, for her. So we're both living, and that's brouht us closer together.

Dear Daddy

I’m not sure what happened Daddy,
We were once a loving family,
Just you, mum and I.
You used to love me,
Didn’t you?
I know that I loved you.

You never told me Daddy,
That your mind was not your own.
You should have told me Daddy,
That you never planned on coming home.
I sat on the stairs outside,
Waiting for you to come back;
But you never did Daddy
and now my world’s gone black.

Those times of being with you Daddy,
Where I was your favourite little girl
are gone aren’t they?
Pretty like a doll, you always smiled
when you told me Daddy.
I was always happy to be your little girl.

You left when I was three Daddy,
You walked right away,
And then I thought at least maybe,
It’d be with Mum that I’d stay.
But that fairytale soon died Daddy,
And now I’m on my own.
Years have passed since then,
And now I’m not sure,
Would I recognise you still Daddy?
Or wouldn’t I at all…

Every now and then Daddy,
I sit by the phone,
And hope that just maybe,
You might give me a call.
But I’ve become stronger Daddy,
I don’t cry anymore.
I don’t wait on steps outside Daddy,
I’m no longer just a doll.

Heart's Anxiety

Afraid of the past returning to the future, hiding among the shadows away from the light, seek out the truth and cower from the sight, don’t touch, don’t see, don’t hear.

Not there not here, everything and everyone gone, stolen and taken or driven away, beg and cry not like this, the music has yet to stop come back and continue.

Life shredded, torn apart and scattered to the wind while the tragedy plays, the sonnet spoken not meant as the shattered mirror shows the broken faces of all hidden away.

The children play, mock and scorn, laugh at those different and draw them out to break, the cruelty of games designed to destroy all that is built and support it all.

Laughter is the best medicine, treat bloody patchworks with the mocking scorning laugh that echoes the empty hallways of the hollow glass heart, opaque and black.

Terrified to move but unable to stay still, the crashing sounds of a wave overflow in the bustling town noise, the sand taken piece by piece til all is gone and forgotten.

The shrine sits quiet watching it all and sends a chilling call through the emptiness overtaking, shadows, light, the distinguished all gone, lost, misplaced, kept in that safe place.

Lock picked and all missing inside, stolen internal, forever gone and unreplaced, voices murmur in silence and the deadly hiss becomes audible within.

The fear rises panic begins and all sense is gone, terrified as desperation sets in, left alone to cry the sea of tears and be swept away into a cold wonderland and desolace.

The garden rises to greet, mouth open hungry for the flesh, screams echo down the hallways of empty hearts, a ringing sound as the music skips and comes to its end.