Crazia Gymnasia! The Sequel

So, my first foray into the world of the gymnasium fell flat on it's burger-filled face. I'm not proud of that, but that's the way things happen sometimes. And those burgers were very tasty. Many months have passed since then, and I was slowly getting fatter. Not like.. inflating a balloon fatter, just tiny bit by tiny bit getting a little bit more overweight. So I decided to take matters back into my own hands, and join another, conveniently this one is much cheaper and is so much easier to get to. This time I also had the motivation and support of four of my colleagues, Sean, Emily, Owen and Jade. This sequel is where I chronicle my latest attempt to shed the pounds. I'll start by explaining to you in strangely accurate detail of the way we all had to register to join. We entered, and were immediately met by two computers, set up before the secure space age super pod like entrance. We were to register online to join the gym, AT THE ENTRANCE OF THE GYM. We were in the future. Literally. I nearly fell over because of the sheer futuristic nature of the situation we were in. So I started to enter my details on the keyboard, which was metal. All the keys, the mouse buttons, everything. It was like a strange monster that likes to have its buttons pressed. On I went, through all 4,634 pages of the application, filling in all the useless little things they wanted, someone calling me "blood" for some reason, until it finally bestowed upon me the magical number I needed to get through the secure space age super pod like entrance. I got through, and waited for the others to receive their magic codes. For like half an hour. I decided to remedy this by going to get a padlock from the vending machine, that had chilled padlocks, ready to be warmed up and used by humans. I fiddled with it until I figured out how to set my own code, and by that time, Emily had gotten through the secure space age super pod like entrance.

Eventually, once all my fellow posties got through the secure space age super pod like entrance, minus Owen, who failed the computer's initial test, we headed through to the changing rooms. Well, the girls did, the male changing rooms weren't ready, so I had to make do with a toilet cubicle. Classy. Once that was over and done with, we were taken on a quick and informal secret tour by Sean, who was already a member. He wasn't staying, but didn't want to just abandon us without telling us where everything was, he was abandonning us after that. So once the tour had ended, he headed back to the secure space age super pod like entrance, which was a two-way affair, naturally, and he left us to our own devices. We headed to the first machines we could recognise, which had several names, 'sit down bikes', 'lazy bikes' and 'recumbent bikes' being three. The three of us remaining, sat down on these bikes, and begun to pedal for our lives. While pointing and laughing at all the ridiculous looking emo kids outside the gym because they're too lazy/depressed/scarred on the inside/stupid to get a job. All the while realising how unfit I actually was. So we moved on from there, and I found myself a treadmill to walk on. There was no way I could run on it yet, as I didn't want to damage the tectonic plate underneath England with my heavy and cumbersome steps. So I walked. Briskly I might add, to the beat of a pleasant tune that was being played through the overhead speakers. The name of the track escapes me, but it set a nice pace for me to walk at. I was pleased. I only approached the treadmill after nearly dying on the rowing machine. I had used one before, but unlike my first forays into gym life, I found it a lot harder to do this time around, so opted for the less painful option of "walking at pace, then "jogging" for the last minute and a half". Emily and Jade were clearly impressed by me nearly overdoing it and collapsing in a heap at the end of the treadmill.

After the first trip, it begun to get easier, well.. apart from remembering my code to get in through the secure space age super pod like entrance. And it didn't help me that my mobile died when I tried to leave, as that's the only place I had the number stored. Luckily for me, there was one of the strange computers from my first visit on the inside of the gym, which had a very handy "you're a numpty, get your pin number here, numpty" function. So I used it, and escaped via the secure space age super pod like entrance, only to break my phone on the traditional hinged door on the way out. My journeys home from this gym had become fraught with danger, as word had spread around the nun community, and they were out for my sacreligious blood. Or they at least wanted to taser me to increase it's temperature a bit. I had to find a secret way around from the gym to my bus stop, which took a few attempts, as there were nuns stationed pretty much at every major street corner. Luckily I found a cheeky little back street and headed right towards my bus stop that way. The next time I went the gym, the nuns seemed to have given up entirely, heading back to the nunhouse, or wherever it is they do taser practice. This next time in the gym, I was pretty much only with Emily for company, which was better for both of us, as our regimes tended to be pretty similar, despite her barely having to do anything. We were both working very hard, and most days we went, we turned ourselves into overworked piles of mush on the floor. The staff weren't too happy about us being a mess on the floor, so I personally waited until I got back to the changing rooms to let each and every one of my bones disintegrate. Pleasant.

To this day, we're all still going the gym regularly, despite our differing schedules and lives. We're all really proud of ourselves, and intend to keep up the hard work way past the time where we've achieved our targets. I of course have a lot longer to go to get to mine, but I'm determined and I'm already beginning to see a difference in myself physically. I can't grab my side handles as easily as I used to. How I hate those side handles. They look disgusting, and people keep grabbing them. Well not anymore! No siree! They're almost gone! I just need to keep doing what I'm doing, rotating between more cardio and less weights, and more weights and less cardio. Or something. At least I've stopped eating junk food completely. That's one of my proudest achievements so far. Anyway. I hope you've enjoyed this generalised and part fictional account of our first few weeks at the gym. Peace out and that.