I have found the reason, and concurrently, the solution to my problem. To place her above any other with no real founding or deserving, I have subsequently halted any chance I may of had in finding love elsewhere, until now. My problem was a simple one, but it's surprised me how deeply it has taken root in and around my heart. The hopeless hope. I had placed so much hope, so much blind faith in yearning for her to change her mind about me, that I'd completely forgotten to leave myself open for any other opportunities, and worse still, losing out on the chance of love with another, who is completely amazing and should have my heart in her own right. But this situation prevented that, clouding my judgment and having me make hasty, ill-judged, emotionally led decisions. Which have turned out to be the wrong ones. So in attempting to pursue the one I wanted, but whom didn't want me back, I wasted my chance with someone who wanted love, and saw that I was capable of giving it. Hindsight has shown me that I have erred pretty badly.

And yet even after this, the lesson hadn't been learnt, the hopeless hope was still rooted to my heart, and I couldn't do anything but attempt to suppress it. At risk of stressing her out, never mind stressing me out, I had to hide it from her. I couldn't let her know that my suppression had failed, and that the roots around my heart had grown ever tighter. All the advice I asked for and received was the right advice, but I couldn't heed it, because I still clung to the hopeless hope that she might one day turn around and say that she wanted to be with me. Of course I was hoping against hope, I knew in my mind that she only wanted my friendship, but my strangled heart yearned for much more. In my heart I'd manifested a picture of us, holding hands and walking down the docks, but the reality was biting, and I knew she'd never like me enough to hold my hand. But in knowing this, I couldn't admit it to myself. I refused to accept that I wasn't good enough, or that she wasn't interested. And that was disrespectful to her. She had told me exactly how she felt, but my heart refused to listen and the roots gripped tightly.

People often ask the question "are you lead by the head or the heart?" Well I can tell you that I'm not merely led by my heart, I'm dragged along by it, kicking and screaming. I know full well in my mind that my pursuit was futile, but still I carried on, because my heart told me to. Yearning selfishly for love, I lost sight of the fact that I had to preserve the friendship between me and her, and went ahead to try, and fail to make her fall in love with me. Why she didn't is a matter to take up with her, but she doesn't have to explain it. It's her choice, and hers alone. I offered myself to her, heart and soul, and she didn't want it. But I gave her the decision, and it is one that I must now force my heart to accept. I have to take back control of my own feelings and take back control of my life. I can't carry on being lead by my heart into situations that will ultimately lead to pain and the destruction of relationships and friendships. It's time for me to give up on the hopeless hope, and move on to hope for things that might actually happen.

There is one thing I will not do though, and that's give up on my friendship with her. She has been there for me through thick and thin, and as far as I know, is still there for me now, albeit at the other side of this metaphorical wall of silence I'm building, temporarily. I'm still here for her, that's why I'm building a little letterbox in the wall so that she can communicate if she feels that she wants or has to. I can only hope that after this, she's still there for me.